There’s a Big Difference Between Being Nice and Being Passive
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Objectively if you were to look at the human race you could be convinced that there is something wrong with a species that seems to repel and reject nice people on a regular basis. I see countless evidence of ‘nice’ people being taken advantage of, walked over, ignored, rejected and criticized. However, when you look closely at these examples you invariably find these nice people are in fact engaging in passive behaviour and ignoring their own needs, wants and desires in order to please others. Hence why it’s easy to confuse being nice with being passive.
So, what is the difference between niceness and passivity?
Being a nice person goes hand in hand with considering the needs of others, being kind, being generous, helping and supporting those in need. However, when these qualities come at the expense of your own needs, wants and desires on a regular basis they translate into passive behaviour. The major problem with being passive under the guise of niceness is that it often translates into resentment and anger – in turn causing you to no longer want to be nice.
Being passive also tends to bring out the worst in others because people tend to assume that nice person will be more accommodating and be less likely to complain when things don’t go their way.
The reason many nice people avoid being assertive is they are driven by a need to please others. Thus, expressing conflicting views can be very frightening for a passively nice person, as it has the potential to upset others and result in negative consequences (eg rejection and criticism).
The most fascinating aspect of passive behaviour is that it ends up leading to the same negative outcomes originally feared. In others words, passively Nice people want to avoid being criticized, but through passive behavior are likely to end up being criticized anyway.
If you are a passively nice person it’s really important to make the distinction between being nice and passive and to challenge your underlying fears that drive you to behave in a passive manner. You can still be a nice person, but don’t allow your behaviour to be driven predominately by the needs and wants of others. This is particularly important when you commit to doing something with another nice person and are asked to do something at the same time by someone you are scared to say ‘no’ to. In this case, you’re likely to also choose the scary person and assume the nice person will be OK. Behaving in the exact manner you dislike in others.
Whilst there will always be times when it is necessary to put the needs of others in front of yours, during these times it’s important to ensure you are being respected and appreciated. For example, placing boundaries around how your children should speak to you (showing their appreciation through words like please and thank-you).
Further, whilst being ‘easy going’ might be an energy you aspire to have, don’t confuse it with being a pushover. It’s fine to agree to things if you really don’t mind, but if you’re happy, at least seek clarification and ask if there is any opportunity to alter things more to your liking.
Aspire to be a nice person, but try not to aspire to be passive.
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Source by Lizzie O’Halloran